Let’s talk about

Hej Style Hunter

Let’s talk about

Dette “Let’s talk about” indlæg er et meget personligt og samtidig alvorligt indlæg.

Netop denne uge har være “Knæk Cancer” uge og det har fået mig til at tænke på min mor som døde alt for tidligt.

Min mor blev kun 44 år, hun døde af kræft da jeg lige var blevet 17 år. På det tidspunkt i mit liv hvor jeg måske havde allermest brug for min mor.

Let’s talk about

Jeg er dybt taknemmelig for den kærlighed og den gave min mor gav til mig. Hvis du har læst min fortælling om min barndom, så ved du hun kæmpede en hård kamp for mig og jeg føler på en måde at den kamp tog så hårdt på min mor at kræften kunne få overtaget over hendes krop og på den måde tage hende fra min bror, min far og jeg.

Vi var som tre skibsbrudne som flød rundt i havet, prøvede at få fodfæste efter katastrofen. Den gang var der ingen som havde øje for hvordan sådan en katastrofe påvirkede et stort barn, som var hvad jeg var.

Let’s talk about

Min far var i sorg og vi talte aldrig om min mor efter. Jeg tror ikke min far kunne tale om hende, jeg tror smerten var for stor.

Og jeg, ja jeg blev så vred på min mor fordi hun forlod mig. Jeg havde jo tidligere i mit liv oplevet svigt da min biologiske mor sendte mig på ferie, og nu havde min mor også forladt mig. Og det uden vi egentlig havde fundet hinanden igen. Jeg var jo teenager med de konflikter og kampe det kan give mellem mor og datter.

Let’s talk about

Jeg lukkede simpelthen døren til det rum der var min mor, og holdt liv i den vrede jeg havde til min mor. Først da min far døde da jeg var 47 år og jeg skulle bearbejde sorgen over tabet af min far, fik jeg kontakt med min sorg over tabet af min mor. Der skulle altså gå 30 år før jeg kunne sørge over tabet af min mor.

Selv om det var svært så var det også befriende endelig at kunne slippe vrede til min mor og i stedet glæde mig over hendes store kærlighed og store hjerte.

Jeg har i denne uge tænkt på hvad jeg ville sige hvis jeg kunne tale med min mor i dag. Jeg har derfor forsøgt at skrive dette brev til hende.

Let’s talk about

Kære Mor

Du ved jeg om nogen ved at livet ikke er retfærdigt og det var ikke retfærdigt at du skulle mist livet i så ung en alder netop som du skulle til at nyde at livet var blevet lettere.

Jeg kan tydeligt huske de sidste ord du sagde til mig inden du forsvandt ind i den fordærlige sygdom. Den gang var jeg så ung at jeg ikke rigtig forstod hvad du sagde. Men i dag hvor jeg er voksen og har levet mit liv meget længerend du fik lov til, i dag forstår jeg dine ord. I dag ved jeg at dine ord rummede en stor stolthed for mig.

At du vidste du havde give mig de redskaber jeg skulle bruge til at komme videre i mit liv – redskaber der kunne give mig et godt liv. Jovist har mit liv budt på mange op og nedture, men din kærlighed og dine ord er stadig med mig og hjælper mig. Jeg har som du ved været nødt til at arbejde med mig selv og de dæmoner som jeg fik givet i vuggegave og din visdom og kærlighed har givet og giver mig stadig kræfter til at kæmpe for det gode i mit liv. Jeg ved at jeg har begået mange dumheder og jeg ved også at nogle af disse dumheder ville du ikke synes om, selv om de aldrig ville ændre på din kærlighed til mig.

Let’s talk about

Jeg ville ønske du havde fået lov til at blive i mit liv – at jeg kunne have delt min glæde og stolthed over at blive mor. At du kunne have set mig klare opgaven som mor så flot. Noget som jeg kun har kunne fordi du gav mig det dyrebareste du havde – din kærlighed og omsorg dine kræfter da du kæmpede for at jeg kunne blive et helt menneske og få et godt liv. Noget som jeg er sikker på betød du ikke havde kræfter til at kæmpe for dig selv mod den modbydelige sygdom.

Let’s talk about

Kære mor jeg håber du sidder et sted og kigge ned på mig og mine børn og børnebørn – at når du ser hvor godt vi klare det er stolt – stolt af dig selv. Jeg er så taknemmelig for du valgte at elske mig, fordi jeg kunne ikke have fået et mor der var bedre rustet til at hjælpe en lille pige som mig. Jeg er ked af at jeg var vred på dig i så mange år, jeg ved jo du ikke ønskede at forlade mig, det kunne den fortabte lille pige bare ikke se. Hvis vi ses på den anden side kan jeg heldigvis møde dig med stor kærlighed og taknemmelighed for alt hvad du gjorde for mig.

Kærlig hilsen din datter som elsker dig.

Let’s talk about

Dagens indlæg er tilegnet alle os der har haft eller har kræft tæt inde på livet.

 

ILYG

 

/Angel

 

English Translation

This “Let’s talk about” post is a very personal and at the same time serious post.

Just this week, has been a “Kink Cancer” week and “Kink Cancer” made me think of my mother who died too young.

My mother was only 44 years old when she died of cancer – I just had turned 17 years old. My mother died at a time in my life where I needed my mother the most.

I am deeply grateful for the gift of love my mother gave to me. If you have read my story about my childhood, you know she struggled a hard fight for me and I feel like that struggle took so hard on my mother that the cancer could take over her body and thus take her away from my brother, my dad and me

We were like three shipwrecked that floated around in the ocean trying to get a foothold after the disaster. At that time nobody had an eye on how such a disaster affected a girl like me, a child which was what I was.

My father was in sorrow and we never talked about my mother after she passed away. I do not think my dad could talk about her, I think the pain was too big.

And I, yes, I was so angry with my mother because she had left me. I had previously suffered in my life when my biological mother sent me on vacation, and now my beloved mother had left me too. And without we had found each other again. I was a teenager with the conflicts and struggles that may cause between a mother and her daughter.

I simply closed the door to the room that was my mother and kept the angeralive instead.  I think it was a coping mechanism. 30 years later when my father died when I was 47 years old and I had to handle the grief over the loss of my father, I got in touch with my grief about the loss of my mother. It should be 30 years before I could take care of the grief of loosing my mother.

Even though it was difficult, it was also reluctant to finally get rid of the anger towards my mother and instead rejoice in her great love and great heart.

I have been thinking this week about what I would say if I could talk to my mother today. I have therefore tried to write this letter to her.

Dear mother

You know that I anybody knows that life is not fair and it was not fair to lose your life in such a young age as yours, exactly when you were about to enjoy your life.

I can clearly remember the last words you said to me before disappearing into the damn disease. That time I was so young that I did not really understand what you said. But today, when I’m grown up and have lived my life for a longer time than you were allowed to do, today I understand your words. Today, I know your words were a great pride for me.

Knowing you had given me the tools I needed to cope on in my life – tools that could give me a good life. Sure my life has contained a lot of ups and downs, but your love and words are still with me and helps me. As you know, I have had to work with myself and the demons I was given as a gift when I was born.  Your wisdom and love have given me and are still giving me the strength to fight for the good in my life. I know I’ve done many stupidities and I also know that you would not like some of these stupidities, even if they would never change your love for me.

I wish you had been allowed to stay in my life – that I could have shared my joy and pride in becoming a mother. That you could have seen me do the job as a mother so beautiful. Something I’ve only been able to do because  you gave me the most precious thing you had – your love and care your strength when you fought for me to become an entire person and have a good life. Something that I’m sure meant that you did not have the strength to fight for yourself against the abominable disease.

Dear mom I hope you sit somewhere in heaven and look down on me and my children and grandchildren – that when you sees us and how well we manage, you will be proud – proud of yourself. I’m so grateful because you chose to love me, because I could not have got a mother who was better equipped to help a little girl like me. I’m sorry I was angry with you for so many years, I know you did not want to leave me, something that I that lost little girl could not just see back then. If we ever meet again on the other side, I will happily meet you with great love and gratitude for all you did for me.

Love from your daughter who loves you.

 

Today’s message is dedicated to all of us who have had or have cancer close in our lifes.

 

ILYG

 

/ Angel

 

 

 

 

About AngelQueen

I love fashion and my style cores is feminine. If your style core isn't the feminine don't worry, because the are 6 style cores to choose from. I love to play with my style and I always try to find new ways to put my outfits together. I believe that fashion should be like a game - a fun game where I try new looks and still remains true to my style core. Besides fashion is a breeze, I also think it should be festive, so I give my styleing max speed - in my universe, every day is a celebration of life. If you love fashion, I hope you will love my blog and find inspiration for your fun with the fashion games. I wish you welcome to my blog and wish you a lot of fun. ILYG

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