Break the silence

Hej Style Hunter

Break the silence

Break the silence og lad være med at gentage de samme mønstre, er et blog indlæg jeg har tænkt på at skrive mange gang og ikke mindst skrevet på rigtig længe. Indlægget er langt det ved jeg, men jeg kan ikke korte det ned uden at vigtig indsigt går tabt.

Det er svært for mig at åbne op omkring dette emne, både fordi jeg er skamfuld over det, men også fordi det er smertefuldt at tænke på. Samtidig ved jeg at den bedste hjælp både til mig selv og andre er at bryde tavsheden. Så derfor kommer det nu. Jeg havde en gang en psykisk voldelig kæreste.

Jeg vil gerne starte  med at slå fast, at der intet er at skamme sig over. Personer der udøver psykisk vold, er super dygtige manipulatorer. Og tingene sker i et langsomt glidende tempo, mens man kigger væk og svæver på sin lille lyserøde sky. Det foregår bag lukkede døre og ja på grund af skam dækkede jeg selv over virkeligheden. En, to, tre – dyb indånding – nu

Break the silence

Jeg har haft en psykisk voldelig kæreste. Gisp, nu har jeg sagt det højt. Mit hjerte banker og mine håndflader er svedige. Jeg tager en mundfuld kaffe og tænker på hvor meget det hjalp mig at åbne op omkring min bardom, noget jeg gjorde sidst i tyverne. En mundfuld kaffe mere og en dyb indånding og jeg er klar til at fortsætte.

Jeg har grædt så meget over jeg endte i sådan en situation og jeg har besluttet mig for at forstå, hvorfor jeg endte i sådan et forhold. Jeg vil finde ud af hvorfor jeg bød mig selv sådan en behandling og ikke mindst hvad jeg skal gøre for aldrig at gentage sådan en fatal fejl.

Nej jeg var ikke i livsfare i fysisk forstand, men min mentale sundhed var i den grad i fare. Forholdet endte næsten med at knække mig, men også kun næsten. Jeg er jo heldigvis stærk og ikke sådan at knække, jeg giver mig som bekendt ikke.

Break the silence

Men hov jeg begynder jo det forkerte sted. Jeg samler tankerne mens jeg tager en mundfuld kaffe mere. Jeg skal jo begynde med begyndelsen.

Jeg mødte en helt igennem smuk, charmerende og dejlig mand. Jeg blev stormende forelsket og vi indledte hurtigt et forhold. Et forhold der skulle vise sig at være stormende, eksplosivt, glimtvis fantastisk men desværre også destruktivt.

Vi var kun ganske kort inde i forholdet første gang, jeg oplevede det voldsomme temperament, og hans beslutsomhed for at såre og nedgøre mig. For at bringe mig derhen hvor jeg blev medgørlig. Jeg skulle ikke være i tvivl om hvor fordærdelig og dårligt et menneske jeg var. At han nærmest var en helt fordi han tolererede at være sammen med mig. At ingen andre ville kunne holde det ud.

Når jeg kigger på det i dag, kan jeg se at han trykkede præcis på de sårbare knapper som jeg desvære fik vuggegave.

Episoden opstod fordi han var optaget af noget arbejde og jeg besluttede at ville løbe på rulleskøjter mens han arbrjdede. Han mente ikke jeg kunne være bekendt at hygge mig når han arbejdede. 

Break the silence

Når jeg i dag kigger på situationen er det tydeligt at det handlede om at han ikke kunne kontrollerer mig hvis jeg gik uden for huset. Og det er meget symtomatisk at et psykisk voldeligt forhold handler om kontrol.

Der har været utallige situationer som denne hvor, jeg tillod mig at handle som et frit menneske og det resulterede i at jeg i den grad blev overfuset og blev fortalt hvor forfærdelig jeg var.

Senere i forholdet kunne det ske hvis jeg tillod mig at have en anden mening, at jeg for eksempel bedre kunne lide et andet musik nummer end det som han kunne lide. Tillod jeg mig at have en mening var jeg negativ og- ja – ganske forfærdelig og jeg skulle prise mig lykkelig over at han overhovedet gad være sammen med mig. At han gjorde alt for mig og at jeg aldrig støttede ham eller gjorde noget for ham.

Break the silence

Hvis jeg sagde noget, som han opfattede som kritik af ham, fik jeg straks den store tur. Han måtte til gengæld gerne fortælle mig at jeg rørte forkert i sovsen, eller at jeg håndterede mit arbejde forkert. Han var meget fokuseret på at der skulle være ligevægt i forholdet, når bare det kun var i forhold til ham. Han kunne ikke lide mine veninder og så helst at jeg ikke var sammen med dem.

I dag kan jeg tydeligt se at det alt sammen var som små sten der blev nøje lagt for at sikre vejen til at han havde fuld kontrol. 

Break the silence

En anden måde han kontrollerede mig på, var ved ikke at gide være sammen med mig. Hvis jeg havde problemer og gerne ville tale med ham og være sammen med ham, havde han ikke tid. Han skulle deltage i alt muligt “vigtigt” andre steder. Samtidigt passede det dårligt hvis jeg så ville mødes med en veninde. På den måde sad jeg blot og ventede på han havde tid og lyst til at være sammen med mig. Men havde han problemer og behov for at tale med mig, så skulle jeg aflyse alt for at bakke ham op. Hvilket han mente jeg aldrig gjorde.

At jeg accepterede den første gang, hvor han var dybt  urimelig og psykisk voldelig overfor mig, var den første sten på vejen mod at han fik den fulde kontrol. 

Desværre var det sådan for mig, og for andre som har prøvet det samme, at jeg først for sent opdagede hvor det var på vej hen. Ganske langsom forsvandt jeg mere og mere. Det var som at være i et rum hvor vægge, loft og gulv ganske langsomt krøb tætterer og tættere på. Til sidst havde jeg kun fokus på at undgå de verbale overfald.

Under de verbale overfald bankede mit hjerte vildt, som hvis jeg skulle dø af skræk, jeg blev tør i munden og min hjerne lukkede helt ned og jeg kunne ikke tænke en eneste tanke. Alle de modbydeligheder jeg fik kastet i hovedet, jeg kunne kun tænke”nej det er ikke rigtigt, sådan er jeg ikke” og samtidg tænkte en anden del af mig “åh gud jeg er jo ganske forfærdelig, sådan kun at tænke på mig selv og være så negativ”.

Break the silence

Når jeg tænker på det i dag kan jeg sagtens se at formålet var netop at skræmme mig så meget at jeg ikke kunne gøre modstand så han fik fuld kontrol. Og nej jeg sidder ikke her og piver og påstår jeg er fejlfri. Det er jeg bestemt ikke, men det var han så heller ikke. Uanset om årsagen til et skænderi er valid eller ej, giver det ikke den ene part tilladelse til at gå i psykisk attack mode.

Hans raseri kunne også være rettet mod hvad min familie havde sagt eller gjort, og så var det igen mig der var forfærdelig fordi jeg ikke slog hånden af min familie, at jeg valgte min familie over ham. Sådan en situation kunne opstå hvis min far havde en anden mening eller for eksempel som den gang min far solgte sin græsslåmaksine i stedet for at give den til ham. Nu når han havde gjort då meget for mig og min familie og så var vi bare då utaknemmelige. Han ville ikke være accepterer at jeg hverken kunne eller ville bestemme over min far.

Jeg er heldigvis ikke noget mælkebøttebarn for ingen ting. Inderst inde vidste jeg godt at det jeg var i, ikke var godt for mig. Jeg begyndte at kredse om at komme ud af forholdet. Jeg gik i virkelig lang tid og forsøgte at tage mod til mig. Jeg vidste jo at det ville blive et voldsomt skænderi, hvordan skulle jeg sige det uden at ende i endnu et verbalt overfald.

Lykken var at han også havde et anden kneb han brugte for at kontrollerer mig. Nemlig at true med at gå fra mig. Og en dag hvor han fremsatte truslen igen, greb jeg chancen og sagde at det måtte han så gøre, men at vi samtidig skulle fortælle omverdenen om den ændrede status. Dette gjorde jeg for at sikre mig at jeg ikke tog ham tilbage, hvis der skulle komme endnu et verbalt overfald. Hvilket der gjorde, rigtig mange gange faktisk. De sidste verbale overfald blev endnu værre og meget ondskabsfulde, selv om man skulle tro det ikke kunne blive værre.

Siden bruddet har jeg brugt lang tid på at analyserer hvorfor jeg endte i den situation. Og den første var at jeg blev forelsket i den forkerte hvilket ikke er den største fejl. Den største fejl var at jeg tillod en person at bruge mine sår fra barndommens helvede imod mig. Jeg skulle have sagt stop første gang den grænse blev krydset. Og jeg kan sige at jeg aldrig mere tillader mennesker at neglichere mine grænser og forsøge at nedbyde min sjæl.

Jeg ved, jeg er et godt og kærligt menneske, at jeg er god nok som jeg er, at jeg er lige så meget værd som andre. At jeg naturligvis begår fejl som andre og at jeg er god til at undkylde hvis jeg gør nogen uret.

Hvis du nogn gange spørger dig selv om et skænderis voldsomhed virkelig er ok, er chancerne for at det ikke er det. Selvfølgelig kan man i et øjebliks ophidsethed sige noget sårene som man ikke mener. Men så ved man det og undskylder for det man sagde. Jeg fik aldrig en eneste undskyldning, det var altid som om det aldrig var sket og at det var helt normalt at skælde ud. Og at det var min egen skyld når nu jeg var så tankeløs.

Jeg vil gerne slå fast at hvis det altid er din skyld, at du aldrig får en undskyldning, og dine svagheder bliver brugt imod dig. Så kan du være sikker på at situationen i dit forhold ikke er ok.

Det var en lang og svær kamp at ryste mig fri, heldigvis fik jeg revet væggende ned omkring mig og bredt mine vinger ud for at kunne udfolde min personlighed, glæde og kærlighed igen.

Tag kampen op og bryd ud, du er noget værd. Du er fantastisk det er netop derfor du skal tæmmes og lukke inde i en kasse. Din partner er bange for andre skal se det og rende med dig. Første skridt er at fortælle det til nogen, din famile eller venner. Du kan få dit liv og din glæde tilbage. Livet handler ikke kun om at undgå overfald – at overleve. Du er noget værd og du er vigtig.

Jeg ønsker dig en smuk dag samtidg med jeg glæder mig til vi ses igen.

ILYG

Angel

 

English Translation

 

Hi Style Hunter

 

Break the silence and do not repeat the same patterns, is a blog post I’ve been thinking of writing many times and not least written on in a really long. The post is long I know, but I can not shorten it without losing important insights. So bear with me

 

It’s hard for me to open up this topic, both because I’m ashamed of it, but also because it’s painful to think about. At the same time, I know that the best help both to myself and others is to break the silence. So her it comes. I’ve had a mentally violent boyfriend

First I would like to conclude that there is nothing to be ashamed about. People who exercise mental violence are super talented manipulators. And things are happening at a slowly moving pace while you are looking away and floating on the little pink sky. One, two, three deep inhalation – now !

 

I’ve had a mentally violent boyfriend. Gulp, now I’ve said it out loud. My heart is beating and my palms are sweaty. I take a mouthful of coffee and think about how much it helped me open up about my childhood, something that I did in my late twenties.

Another mouthful of coffee and a deep breath and I’m ready to continue. I’ve cried so much over I ended up in such a situation and I decided to understand why I ended up in such a relationship. I want to find out why I offered myself such a treatment and not least what I should do to never repeat such a fatal error.

No, I was not in physical danger, but my mental health was in danger. The relationship almost ended with cracking me, but only almost. Fortunately, I’m strong and not easy to break, I do not brake as easy. But oh, I’m starting the wrong place. I gather my thoughts while I take a mouthful of coffee more. I have to begin with the beginning.

I met a whole beautiful, charming and lovely man. I fel in love and we quickly started a relationship. A relationship that would turn out to be stormy, explosive, with glimpses amazing but unfortunately also destructive.

We were only quite briefly in relationship the first time I was experiencing the fierce temper and his determination to hurt and defeat me. To bring me down where I became acquiescent. I should not doubt what an awful and bad person I was. That he was almost a hero because he tolerated being with me. That no one else could and would stay with me.

When I look at it today, I can see that he pressed precisely on the vulnerable buttons that I desperately received as a cradle gift. The episode occurred because he was busy with some work and I decided to go roller skating while he was working. He did not mean I could be familiar and only please myself when he had to work.

When I look at the situation today, it is clear that it was possible that he could not control me if I went outside the house. And it is very symptomatic that a mentally violent relationship is about control. There have been countless situations like this where I allowed myself to act as a free person, and as a result I became so overfuzzed and told how terrible I was. Later in the relationship, it could happen if I allowed myself to have another opinion that, for example, I liked a different piece of music than what he liked. He got mad because I allowed myself to have an opinion, he felt that I was negative and- yes – quite awful and I would not happily praise him for joining me. That he did everything for me and that I never supported him or did anything for him. If I said something that he perceived as criticism of him, I immediately got the big trip. In return, he had to tell me I was doing it wrong when i prepared the sauce or that I handled my job wrongly.

He was very focused on the equilibrium of the relationship but it was only in relation to him. He did not like my girlfriends and did not like me spending time with them.

Today, I can clearly see that it was like small stones, carefully laid to ensure the full control over me. Another way he was controlling me was by not wanting to spend time with me. If I had problems and would like to talk to him and be with him, he did not have time to do that. He would participate in everything “important” elsewhere. At the same time it was bad if I wanted to meet with my girlfriends. In that way, I was just waiting for him to have time or wanting to be with me. But if he had problems and need to talk with me, I should cancel everything to back him up. Which he meant I never did.

The first time I accepted he being deeply unfair and mentally violent to me was the first stone on the road to being fully controlled by him.

 

Unfortunately, that was the case for me and for others who have tried the same thing, that I first discovered too late where it was going. Quite slowly, I disappeared more and more. It was like being in a room where the walls, ceiling and floor quite slowly creeps closer and closer. Finally, I could only focuse on avoiding the verbal assaults. During the verbal assault my heart was beating wildly, like if I were to die, I was dry in my mouth and my brain closed all the way down and I could not think a single thought. All the evils I had thrown in my head, I could only think “no, it’s not true, I’m not” and at the same time another part of me was thinking “Oh, God, I’m quite terrible just thinking about myself and be so negative “. When I think of it today, I can see that the purpose was to scare me so much that I could not resist so he was given full control.

And no, I’m not sitting here and whining and claiming I’m flawless. I most certainly are not, but he was not either. Whether or not the cause of an argument, it does not allow one party to go into mental attack mode.

His fury could also be aimed at what my family had said or done, and then again it was terrible because I did not rule out my family,  that he felt thatI chose my family over him. Such a situation could occur if my father had a different opinion or, for example, the time my father sold his lawn mower instead of giving it to him. He was mad because he had done so much for me and my family and then we were just ungrateful. He would not agree that I could not or would not decide over my dad.

Fortunately, I’m not a andelion child for nothing. Inside, I knew that what I was in, was not good for me. I began to circle about getting out of the relationship. I circled around for a really long time and tried to ne courages enough. I knew that it would be a terrifying situation, where should I should end the relationship without ending in another verbal assault.

The happiness was that he also had another trick he used to control me. Namely, threatening to leave me. And one day when he made the threat again, I grabbed the chance and said that if he did that,  we should also tell the outside world about the changed in our status. I did this to make sure I did not take him back if there was yet another verbal assault. Which there were, really many times actually. The last verbal assault became even worse and very awful, even when I thought it could not get any worse.

 

Since the break up, I spent a long time analyzing why I ended up in that situation. And the first thing was falling in love with the wrong man which is not the biggest mistake. The biggest mistake was that I allowed someone to use my wounds from childhood hell against me. I should have said stop the first time the limit was crossed. And I can say that I never allow people to neglect my boundaries any more and try to bury my soul.

I know I am a good and loving person, that I am ok as I am and that my worth equals others worth. Naturally I make mistakes like others and I’m good at wondering if I do any injustices and doing the apologies.

If you ever wonder if  your arguments is violent or if they are ok, then there’s a chance that it’s not. Of course, in a moment of excitement you can say something that wounds, something that you do not mean. But then you know it and apologize for what you said. I never got a single apology, it was always as if it had never happened and that it was quite normal to yell and say hurtful things. And that was my fault because I was so thoughtless.

I would like to conclude that if it is always your fault, and that you never get an apology and your weaknesses are being used against you. Then you can be sure that the situation in your relationship is not ok.

It was a long and hard struggle to shake this o’deal off me, fortunately I got the walls around med torn down and I am now able to spread my wings to unfold my personality, to feel joy and love again.

Fight for yourself and break up, you’re worth something. You’re amazing it’s precisely why you need to be controlled and locked up inside a box. Your partner is afraid others should see how amazing you are and run away with you. The first step to freedom is to tell someone, your family or friends. You can get your life and your joy back. Life is not just about avoiding assaults – to survive. You are worth something and you are important.

 

I wish you a beautiful day at the same time I look forward to seeing you again.

ILYG

/Angel

About AngelQueen

I love fashion and my style cores is feminine. If your style core isn't the feminine don't worry, because the are 6 style cores to choose from. I love to play with my style and I always try to find new ways to put my outfits together. I believe that fashion should be like a game - a fun game where I try new looks and still remains true to my style core. Besides fashion is a breeze, I also think it should be festive, so I give my styleing max speed - in my universe, every day is a celebration of life. If you love fashion, I hope you will love my blog and find inspiration for your fun with the fashion games. I wish you welcome to my blog and wish you a lot of fun. ILYG

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